i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
