I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
