Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Randomize
