there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize