You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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