Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
