she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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