i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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