Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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