so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
