I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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