is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
