I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
