thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
