I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize