Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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