Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
