i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hippo gnu deer
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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