ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
