I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
