I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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