come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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