then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
its liver damage thursday
Randomize