Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
