thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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