y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
