believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
