I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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