My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
