I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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