Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
