I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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