im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
