Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
