Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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