Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize