just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This baby is an asshole
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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