K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
