Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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