are you still at the devil's house?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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