Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
