I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
