Got a toothbrush?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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