My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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