Soap is not a condiment
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
