i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize