You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize