haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
