I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
50% drunk capacity currently
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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