Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
