So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
