i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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