I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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