I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
