You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
