I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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