I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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