I CAN MOONWALK!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
