cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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