If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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